I am the Lonely Chameleon

Hello, I started this blog to.. Well, I guess I don't really know why I made it. I guess I thought I could connect to others in my position? Or maybe I could find emotional support and friendship on the internet? I just don't know, either one makes sense knowing me.

I used to go to school, play video games, hang out with friends, go on dates, play sports, do theater, etc.

That is, I did in the past.

Nowadays, I go around wearing a black suit and a skintight mask that makes me look faceless. Why in the world would I do this? Because I’m being “Targeted” by a being known as The Slender Man. Things like being stalked by a faceless abomination tend to really mess with you. On every level.

I can’t stay in one place long enough to do college and I can’t afford it as I am. I can’t afford to lug around my video games while on the run. I can’t make friends because I’ll always have to leave them. I can’t have a relationship because they could be put in danger by my presence. I can’t play football now that I’ve abandoned my schooling. The only thing I can still do is act.

Act strong. Act fearless. Act like I can handle this. Act like the Slender Man.

I had the idea a while back because I thought it might repel him or something. Didn't work in the slightest, but I grew fond of his identity quickly. So I took it as my own.

On a more personal subject: I never had a high opinion of myself, and usually it’s not an unfounded belief. I am a really lazy person, and I tend to be squeamish about pain and gross stuff. Also I hesitate a lot, and become brain-locked under pressure sometimes. The only people skills I really have are a scattered arsenal I picked up through observing and copying others; meaning that on the surface I can usually hold a conversation pretty well. If people get to know me long enough or well enough though, they can start to tell I’m not normal. That I don't really have a personality of my own. The worst part is I can usually tell when they start to notice it, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. It's always the same too, no matter how nice or outgoing and caring they may be. They distance themselves from me, and I become isolated. Eventually I just stopped trying, and deluded myself into contentment with this lonely state. I just don't let myself get upset about it anymore.

For all my flaws I’ve got a pretty good idea of who I am, and I’ve always entertained the fantasy of becoming a better person. I actively feign humbleness, honesty etc. because they are virtues that people value in others. Hell, I can often manage to deceive or delude MYSELF into believing stuff. For example, I might say I liked somebody or respected them, even though I really don’t. Just a normal white-lie right? Not really, because I manage to convince myself that I do, and only in retrospect am I able to figure out what I was really feeling or thinking. I dunno; maybe it’s normal, maybe it’s not. I might just be spouting pointless bullshit.

I put on a number of different personalities depending on my surroundings, I’m a follower as opposed to leader, and I desperately wish to be a normal guy. I like doing theater, and acting like someone completely different. I can actually feel and empathize with the emotions of my characters more than I can my own. The atmosphere and flair you find in theater is amazing, and all the people are so naturally crazy and expressive like I attempt to be. It's symbolic of my true self I guess; how I always would rather be someone else. Someone who actually gets to feel sadness and joy for others instead of having to fake it. Someone who can really connect with others on more than just the surface. Someone who isn't so pitifully lonely. But there's nothing I can really do.

I can't change my true colors, I can only cover them up with another shade.

I am the Lonely Chameleon.